I Have Always Been Hurt By Your Uncodified Laws, All’ye My Folk! – 1

Guest Writer: Yasemin S.

After I have thought that I told everything, here I am, laying down on the therapy couch; yet I didn’t have either physical or mental strength for any therapy while everything was happening around me…

What did bring you here Ms. Yasemin?

-I don’t know… Many things about my life grew out of my control earlier – or it actually looks like that as I have just realised it so. This bothered me, it fueled the sequence of questions in my head, in which I couldn’t dare to answer any of them by myself, so I’m here.

What are those questions?

-They are so many but the most particular one running in my mind now is as follows, is the bond between marriage and sexuality really so tight?

Have you been told this?

-Yes, I have. I was newly wed, only a week had passed by since the wedding, I couldn’t accept the idea of sexual act. My aunt called me and asked me if I remembered the bride of Mrs. Hatice from the wedding having been held last month. I said I remembered. She continued saying that the bride still couldn’t engage in a sexual intercourse and it had been a month and asked me if I could imagine the situation. She added “Look my dear, this is so important, without it your marriage is in danger, the peace is built on that, it’s the most important thing for men”…

I yanked away the receiver from my ear, I was aware that every word she was going to say would take me down and down, and then leave me there.

What else have you been told?

-I alluded to this situation when in a conversation with a friend of mine… I had been told that it’s for the sake of Allah, she said that “You must get over with this for the sake of Allah, you must defeat this… Women are entrusted with a task like this by Allah. I have been also married for 16 years, I haven’t felt anything since the beginning but I accepted it as my task and I do it. If you think about the rewards for your good deeds, you’ll be conceived so much more easily than before.” This advice given by her to me drove me to the idea that Allah created me only to make a man happy and satisfied, I had tough days for a while, and then I tried to fit myself into this definition and I could not succeed in it, so I tried to get away from this advice.

Haven’t you seen a doctor or a professional?

-Of course, I have. I saw a gynecologist. I got examined and at first I felt very nervous and embarrassed. The doctor gave me the Vemcaine Pump Spray, a painkiller, a muscle relaxant, and some drug usage instructions along with them; for instance, do not spray this alongside other medicines but spray it half an hour before, take two tablets from this one afterwards. I mentioned the idea running in my mind to the doctor in one or two sentences. She briefly and very unkindly said that “If you had behaved so coquettishly, you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place,” and she added “Dismiss, neeeext!”

Even though I was hurt by her words, I tried to do what she advised me to do. My drugged private parts drove me to the feeling in which I felt as if I was in a surgical operation, and I ran away, then I shut myself into a room and cried.

Well now, if we went back to the days on which you didn’t engage in any sexual intercourse, what was running in your mind back then?

-The sense of losing my freedom was reducing its effects over me as if it was racing with the idea of being disgraceful. I felt as if I would be roped by the society and then they would give the ropes to a man and I would be driven by him to go with him to wherever he wishes to go. He would decide the clothes I wear, the meals I like, the things I want to spend my money on, the songs I cry on, everything about me… In the sixth month of my marriage without any sexual act, I saw a psychiatrist who can give group therapy. The psychiatrist told me the things that I told her had already happened on the day I signed the marriage certificate, she wished I wouldn’t have signed it… She was right, if we stayed married even only for an hour and get a divorce right on the same day, I would be a widow but my husband would be a bachelor! A woman who is a widow is considered as someone who lost the most attractive feature, her virginity. In addition to that, a widow’s place in society cannot be considered as a respectable one… When I thought about all these, I wanted to get away from everything, yet my love for my husband kept me away from this idea, I couldn’t stop feeling guilty and embarrassed towards my husband. The “I cannot engage in a sexual intercourse and for sure my husband is going to cheat on me” poison was in my veins and I was constantly crying.

It will continue…